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Saturday, July 31st, 2004
12:34 pm
My scar's been hurting lately. Especially a few days ago. I think he killed someone.

And then I find out that he's rising.

Finally.

Fucking bloody finally, he's rising, the Death Eaters are unleashed, and it's time to go to war again.

My birthdays get better every year.

I can't wait.

current mood: devious

(8 curses | forsake me)

Saturday, July 17th, 2004
11:05 am
I've had more visitors since I've been here than I've had in a while. I'm not sure why, but...it's nice. It's comforting. Makes me think that somewhere things are normal and good.

I wish they really were.

I feel a lot less scared, though, and I can't decide how much of that is what Firenze and others have been saying, or if it's something else entirely.

I should just shut up. I don't even want to hear me talk.

But that feels less angry now, at least. I hope that's good.

Maybe.

This is going to be a long climb out. If I can climb out. I still don't know. But I want to bring Voldemort to bay, I want to see him in front of my wand, and I want to watch him die. I want to watch him disintegrate.

And then I want out of this fucking hole that Voldemort and Dumbledore put me in. I dealt with the one; the other is small time, compared.

Private to the DACollapse )

Private to RonCollapse )

Private to HermioneCollapse )

current mood: anxious

(4 curses | forsake me)

Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
12:03 pm
I'm starting to worry that I'll just keep feeling better and eventually I'll get so lightheaded that I'll float away. Silly, yes. But it sort of feels true.

Private, indifferently wardedCollapse )

Private to Draco and Ginny, well wardedCollapse )

Private to the OrderCollapse )

current mood: curious

(6 curses | forsake me)

Tuesday, June 29th, 2004
2:54 pm
Somehow, having other people around you makes you feel responsible for them, even if technically they're not your responsibility.

So it's time to be sensible. Things have happened, and things need to keep happening - the Dark needs to be stopped.

I want my life back. And I want to atone for what I've done.

I think that's the scariest thing I've ever said in my life. But...it's true. I want to know what I have to do to make up for what I have done.

"My crimes," I said, "require atonement and judging. Who will rise to that?"

And to get to that place, I need help. Much as I'd like to do it on my own, I can't.

Private to AnthonyCollapse )

Private to the OrderCollapse )

Private to VoldemortCollapse )

current mood: creative

(14 curses | forsake me)

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004
5:05 pm - The decencies have been observed.
And I'm tired of keeping secrets.

For everyone who didn't want to know - I killed Narcissa Malfoy.

Not that any of you cared about the fact that I killed Dumbledore. I scarcely expect you to believe that this is any more important.

No one can hold that over me any longer. The only one who can is the castle.

Oh, and Lucius? Just thought I'd let you know that I'm waiting for you to try to take your revenge.

You want me, come and find me.

((Heavily scratched out))When did I turn into this?

Private to Ginny and DracoCollapse )

current mood: angry

(7 curses | forsake me)

Saturday, June 19th, 2004
7:58 pm
I'm even more tired of the chaos and confusion that is my life than I've been before.

I wish I hadn't killed Dumbledore when I did. i wish I'd waited so I could kill him now. Because however much I hated to find out that he was meeting with Pettigrew - and from what I heard of their conversation was directing Voldemort. I think he was trying to set up his own greater glory.

With. My. Life.

Fuck's sake, I can understand it's not a precious commodity to him, but to be that much of a glory seeker as to destroy my life practically before it even started - it makes the Dursleys look kind in comparison.

I'd like to resurrect him to kill him again.

I'd like to kill something.

Even if I said I wouldn't. Sort of.

PrivateCollapse )

Private to FirenzeCollapse )

current mood: amused

(6 curses | forsake me)

Friday, June 11th, 2004
9:20 am
Still moving about. I suppose the fact that no one's tried to get me to come back means that they're not going to, but...I'm not sure what to do next. Especially now that I've a responsibility with me.

Fuck, I don't know. I want to set up a meeting with someone. I want to make things happen. I want to find out what happens on the other side of this bloody war.

And I think we can all agree that it's war now.

Not that I've much hope of What Happens Next being good for me. Still, talking to Remus last week was...comforting. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think it will.

Gods, I don't want to wind up in prison. I'd rather die.

I wonder if I'm immortal now. I know I won't be after Voldemort's dead.

PrivateCollapse )

Private to GinnyCollapse )

current mood: devious

(forsake me)

Friday, June 4th, 2004
9:27 am
I opened my trunk today, was looking around inside.

I found the socks Dobby made for me back in fourth year.

I'm wearing them.

Your house elf has found clothing. Fuck you all.

current mood: amused

(31 curses | forsake me)

Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
8:21 am
No one came to guard me yesterday.

current mood: chipper

(forsake me)

Wednesday, May 26th, 2004
7:51 pm - I could wish for more ceremony...
But it'll never happen.

I'm leaving the castle for reasons of my own. I'm still around, and if anyone's still interested in the Army, I'm willing to do that still. But I can't stay here any longer. The school's not safe; I believe it's not safe for anyone. But I can only ask myself to leave. So I am.

And before anyone asks, fuck NEWTs. I'm supposed to go out and die to save everyone; who cares if I fucking well graduate from school or not?

Too many people die here. And it's the biggest target in Britain in any case. And it doesn't seem to want me to stay.

If you want me, owl me. Or, to quote some Muggle band, if you want me, fucking well come and find me. I'll be waiting.

Private to RonCollapse )

Private to HermioneCollapse )

Private to GinnyCollapse )

Private to DracoCollapse )

PrivateCollapse )

current mood: indifferent

(32 curses | forsake me)

Sunday, May 16th, 2004
11:17 pm
Somehow, I'm not surprised it was Crabbe. But maybe that was because someone else mentioned that it might have been him.

PrivateCollapse )

I'm getting a really black and white view of the world.

current mood: confused

(7 curses | forsake me)

Monday, April 12th, 2004
8:18 pm
Why does Crabbe have a cabbage for a head?

More Slytherin stuff, I guess...frightening though it is, I think I understand them better than I do Gryffindors. Maybe I'll declare a House of one person. Of course, most everyone would tell me to shut up my angsty whining, so I won't do that. Besides, where would I sleep? The Great Hall?

I want Professor Lupin to come back. I don't want to talk to him about anything specific, I just want to...talk to him. He's a good person to talk to.

I still have to do what Sirius asked me to.

PrivateCollapse )

current mood: exhausted

(9 curses | forsake me)

Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
9:36 am
I can't believe I'm getting along with Pansy, of all people.

Still, she's always understood, even when we hated each other.

I feel rather like a cow...one that's being fattened for the slaughter so that everyone can feast on it except the cow in question.

Thus ends your officially-depressing thought of the day, you should not comment on it, nor should you make any reference to it.

Maybe I am going crazy.

current mood: indescribable

(22 curses | forsake me)

Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
7:44 am
This is bloody frustrating.

Rather indifferently warded Private. Since I know if anyone does read this, they won't do anything about it. I'm famous Harry Potter. I can do anything I like.Collapse )

If anyone has any problems with my plans for the Army, you're more than welcome to drop right out. It's obvious that no one wants to make an effort to actually fight, so fine. I'll just run right out and do that for you all.

I'll save you, once again, because I'm famous Harry Potter.

Ha.

current mood: infuriated

(11 curses | forsake me)

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
11:28 pm
I took the Army back from Pansy this week. I don't even know if I want to lead it, but it's my responsibility. Ever since Hermione came up with the idea in fifth year, it's always been my responsibility.

Another one I don't want.

I've notified everyone that we're meeting on Sunday, and where we'll be - I suppose I should mention it to Sirius, but he's not been around lately. Nor have many people. So, Sirius, if you read this, I want to use the house. I guess if you don't read it, I'll just show up.

I think it's time to take stock of the Army and change how we do it. I've heard from some people that we can't do anything because we're just students. I wonder, every time I hear that excuse, if they remember that I've been just a student every time I fought Voldemort.

So, I have plans. Nothing's really happened lately, I guess...it was nice to talk to Ginny for a while. But I'm getting worried. How many people can I tell what happened to before someone tells on me? I mean, am I going to wake up some morning with Aurors outside the door?

There are advantages to being the Boy Who Lived.

I've got Quidditch with Oliver this week too. It's been so long since there was a proper game - seems all Draco can do now is mood around the school like some angsty goth prince, rubbing his stupid arm and being superiour.

He's not as superiour as he'd like to think, frankly.

I'm going to bed. It's all I can do to stay awake these days. And my scar hurts a little.

current mood: tired

(4 curses | forsake me)

Sunday, March 14th, 2004
12:55 pm
Parkinson and I have reached an agreement of sorts. She's going to take over the leadership of the Army, because I can't do it. I don't know what I'm doing right now - like that's a change from the past - but I can't do this too.

So carry on like the lambs you are

Private to GinnyCollapse )

Private to RonCollapse )

Private to DracoCollapse )

Private to PansyCollapse )

I'm going to bed, and the first person to wake me up will find out which Unforgivables I know and whether I sleep with my wand under my pillow.

Then I'll see what happens tomorrow.

current mood: exhausted

(18 curses | forsake me)

Sunday, March 7th, 2004
1:25 pm
Warded to GinnyCollapse )

(3 curses | forsake me)

Monday, February 23rd, 2004
9:55 pm
I can't believe I'm even contemplating the things that I am. But I guess I feel like we, being the DA, can't do it all on our own and obviously there's no real planning behind the Order. And I can't plan- all those things Snape people have said for years is true. I really do play the hero. And it's a lot easier being one hero than part of a group.

Being part of a group means you must lead. And I don't think I'm so good at that, really.

Pansy's gone to the loo down the hall which is the only reason I'm writing here now. I'm surprised she agreed to listen to me at all after the fight. She seems depressed, instead of angry, which is probably a good thing. Otherwise, this would all be screaming, I'm sure.

I think we need to merge our groups. She told me about hers. I'm not sure if I approve but I don't know if I have the right to disapprove anymore. Things are becoming more and more unclear. Every night that passes...

I don't know why we're staying here. I don't know what I expect to happen or what I want to have happen. I mean, I doubt there's going to be any sort of miraculous bond between us but we need to at least talk if it's going to be anything at all.

PrivateCollapse )

current mood: exhausted

(3 curses | forsake me)

Saturday, February 21st, 2004
11:23 am
The thing that first made me angry was when I saw him with Pettigrew.

(1 curse | forsake me)

Friday, February 13th, 2004
9:30 am
I feel sort of numb. I keep drifting through classes, not really listening, not even the half-listening I used to do. I want to visit Petunia again but I'm afraid. I think she'll tell me more. But do I want to hear it?

And the dreams have started again.

PrivateCollapse )

Warded, DA OnlyCollapse )

Ron, Hermione, Neville OnlyCollapse )

current mood: depressed

(7 curses | forsake me)

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